11 March 2011

Panda Porn



The things people come up with!  Solutions to problems you might not realize exist. Which is great, really. It makes you believe that despite the complex challenges facing the myriad species on our planet, all is ultimately going to be right with the world.

Don’t worry about the disastrous decline of the honeybee, for example. The honeybee, which pollinates more than 70 percent of the 100 crops that provide 90 percent of the world’s food. We have to hope the scientists are working on that one. Or how about governments ensuring that tuna are able to spawn before being hunted in flagrant disregard of international law?  Or stopping the killing of baby seals – on my cutetronometer, they rank right up there and might be worth saving.

But at least we are apparently making great progress on one front in the animal kingdom. Scientists, concerned that the world’s panda population is plummeting, have been working really hard to get the bears to mate with more – enthusiasm. The scientists have tried just about everything, without much success. Apparently it isn’t happening for the poor pandas.

So it was considered indispensible to research how to stimulate their sex drive. Limited progress was made with Viagra, but nothing to write home about. Next they tried showing the pandas erotic films – which in Pandaland means letting them watch big screen videos at the local Zoo Cineplex.  I’m serious; they showed fur flicks of some studdly Panda Man steamin it up with that cute Pandette they all have the hots for. But that didn’t do the trick either. I’m guessing if the quality was anything like 99% of the porn out there, it probably bored the poor pandas straight to sleep.

It’s a tough one. Especially because they’ve now learned that female pandas like some social interaction before mating. Hmm, really? And it would also seem that the second the male is  - um, finished, he disappears and leaves the female to raise the babies on her own. I’m thinking this might have something to do with females getting it on only a couple days per year, but then again, I know virtually nothing about pandas. Although come to think of it, we did see a mother bear in the San Diego Zoo a while back and she looked exhausted – talk about circles under the eyes!

But fortunately for human if not panda persistence, it turns out the scientists have recently arrived at a breakthrough.  They haven’t exactly solved the problem, yet, but they think they’ve identified the secret to unleashing the giant panda libido.    

What would that be? There are two key factors that lead to increased panda reproduction. Interestingly, both involve the male. Turns out Panda Man doesn’t need Viagra, doesn’t even need Triple XXX rated. All he needs are strong hind legs (for obvious reasons) and better hearing.  Better hearing.  Did you get that?  Scientists have now confirmed that males need to listen much more carefully to the females, so that they get when it is that the females are in the mood…

Ha!  Who’d a thought?  Methinks there might be a modicum of real insight in that there breakthrough.

Now if we could only get those bees buzzing!

1 comment:

  1. Funniest thing I've ever read! you should publish it in Penthouse.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...